Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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