morning after pill = breakfast in bed
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
