the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
