I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize