Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
