The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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