we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
