I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I have feelings that need drinking.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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