ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
did i just pee glitter
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
