Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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