I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
