I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
