This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
