I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
