I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
