when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
