New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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