Jerry, you need to find god
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
