Can i not drive my cunt home
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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