JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize