Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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