That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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