there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
