my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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