We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
We need to get me chipped asap
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize