his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
