Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
