Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
