I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
