i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
