careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
