Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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