Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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