What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
