Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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