its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
