he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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