he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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