I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
