totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
