Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
