i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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