I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
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