if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
