So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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