i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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