Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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