I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
