why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
