It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
