I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
