Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
