a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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