i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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