A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
