I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
