im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Randomize
