What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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